Thinking Aloud

The first time I met Jayna Murray was over the phone in 2006.  I was in New York City for work and walking around the streets in the evening when my phone rang.  It was our mutual friend who was in Texas with Jayna.  I don’t recall much of the conversation other than there was a lot of laughter on the other side of the call and something about too many margaritas.  At some point Jayna came on to say hello, but it was brief.

I finally met her in person in September 2008.  The same mutual friend introduced us when we met up for drinks (not margaritas this time).  My first impressions of Jayna were that she was a lot of fun, full of energy, knew how to stick up for herself (there was some political debates that night), and she genuinely wanted to get to know you.  What stood out as well was hearing Jayna’s laugh, seeing her wonderful smile, and when we said good night getting one of the best hugs from anyone who I had just hung out with for only a few hours.

Anytime I saw or knew I’d see Jayna after that first time hanging out, I would feel an excitement and anticipation that I was going to have an incredibly fun time.  The first gig of mine she came to a month or so after meeting her, I came off the stage from playing my first set and she grabbed my arm and said, “come here, we’re taking pictures.”  What ensued was a few of us huddled in a booth making faces, being silly, and after taking the photo looking at it and laughing ourselves to pieces at how we looked.  She came to many gigs of mine and was always a wonderful energy in the crowd.

Of course, we became friends in other ways.  Dinners.  Our birthday parties.  Emails.  Texts.  And she even watched my cat a few times when I was away.  It was easy to be friends with Jayna.  She accepted you for who you were, but more importantly could see your best qualities and bring those out in you when she was around.  She made ordinary moments in life more amazing than you expected them to be.  She remembered you, took the time to know you, and shared nothing but love with you.  Most of my friends that met with found her memorable and remarkable.  There was something very special about Jayna.  I can only describe it as an energy that was happy and full of a love for life.

On March 12, 2011 I woke up and headed out to a St Paddy’s day bar crawl.  It was sunny and an early spring day out.  I received a text from a friend asking, “how’s Jayna?”  I knew that he had recently met her and thought he meant what is she like.  But then he responded with a link about a homicide at Lululemon in Bethesda, Maryland where Jayna worked part-time.  I called Jayna immediately.  Straight to voicemail.  I called our mutual friend, her best friend, and got her voicemail, so I left a message asking she call me back.  I probably tried Jayna a couple more times.

When her best friend called me and said, “Brian, Jayna’s dead”, I cannot describe how much the life was taken out of me at that moment.  Standing outside of Fado’s bar in the Chinatown area of DC, people passing by, and my mind in complete shock, I fell to my knees in disbelief.  I got off the phone and collected myself as best I could and went home.  As I came inside, my former girlfriend was home sick and she immediately saw the look on my face asked, “what’s wrong?”  And all I could say was Jayna’s dead before losing it.

I sat that weekend on my couch in silence, numb and getting bits of information from the news and our mutual friend who introduced us on the phone all those years ago.  A group of her friends got together on Sunday and we sat around crying, sharing stories, and being there together.  When I got home that night my former girlfriend said to me, “you need to pick up your guitar and play because that’s what you do.”  And so I did and I wrote the music for ‘A Piece of Happiness’ that night.

I don’t want to go into much detail on the struggles I went through that got in the way of writing this song.  What I can say is that I have never felt the affects of pure evil before in my life and I went through a period of high anxiety, paranoia, and living in complete fear.  At times I doubted the song would shine through any of that and I grew frustrated that I could not find the words for my friend.

Eventually I told myself to keep it simple, to remember the feelings Jayna gave so many of us, and asked myself what was it that Jayna gave us?  Happiness.  That is what bonded her to each of us and us to each other.  We saw her happiness, felt it and heard it.  Any story I heard about her resulted in the feeling of happiness.

I feel very fortunate to have known Jayna and carry the happiness she brought me and many other people inside of me.  Even in her death over the past year, I have met people who either know someone who knew her or know the tragic story and tell me how incredible it must have been to be friends with her.  I’ve even been thanked by some for sharing who she was by bringing her spirit into their lives.  All the credit for that goes to Jayna, her energy is still alive and spreads so easily from person to person.  I truly feel at times that Jayna was a sweet angel and I am forever blessed to call her a friend, an inspiration, and someone I am striving to be more like.

I miss you everyday Jayna.  This is your song ‘A Piece of Happiness’ for you.  Listen to the song here.

How am I supposed to begin
When I’m alone or among friends
There’s a silence in me
It’s you without me

I see I see I see you’re a piece of happiness

Of the times I can recall
You made them better for us all
I remember the smile on your face
And the comfort of your embrace

I feel I feel I feel you’re a piece of happiness

Sweet girl
Sweet girl

I see I see I see you’re a piece of happiness
I hear I hear I hear you’re a piece of happiness
I feel I feel I feel you’re a piece of happiness
I see you
I hear you
I feel you a piece of happiness

Sweet girl